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 When did you know?

4/11/2013

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By Louis Mitchell advocate & consultant for community engagement for  Transfaith™
If you're fortunate enough to be born into an easy placement in the dominant paradigm, i.e. straight and cis-gendered, you may never have heard this question.  I hear it quite often. 

I invite you to walk with me and imagine yourselves in my loafers - feel and think about how different your life might be if this was your experience.  Ask yourselves:  Where will I go to find out about God?  What church would have me?  Can God still use me?

I knew when I was three years old that boys and girls weren't the same. I also knew that I felt like a boy.  Being a child of the church, I believed in miracles and prayed fervently for God to "re-align" me - change how I felt or change my body to match how I felt.  When puberty came along, I felt that God was punishing me - because I was already attracted to little girls and because all I'd ever heard was that I was just wrong, broken, an abomination.

As I grew up, I was mystified by my feelings - I was clearly attracted togirls, but didn't feel like "lesbian" felt accurate.  I remember asking my girlfriends if they would still love me if I was a boy.  They didn't understand why I was asking and, truthfully, neither did I.  Also, I would periodically get major crushes on boys and when I had an opportunity to date them, realized that I didn't want to be with them, I wanted to be them!
 When the first of my friends transitioned, I had a mix of emotions - exhilaration, anger, fear, grief.  I was thrilled that I could actually "become" the man that I felt on the inside.  I was angry that I had difficult life choices to make - life as a black man in US isn't exactly an exalted position.  I was sad to imagine that many of my friends in the lesbian and women's communities would no longer see me as a trusted ally.  I was fearful of telling my mother and losing her love and support and I was dismayed at the thought that my life couldn't begin until she passed on.

I knew I had to have the courage to transition - I didn't want to wish for my mom's demise on any level and I knew I would only have peace whenmy insides and outsides matched. 
I had the advantage of having a Pastor that I could turn to with my concerns, including the biggest of them all - telling my momma! 

Over a decade has passed since then.  My mom and I are closer than ever and I am at peace.  I also received an unanticipated gift - finding a purpose and call in God.  In this place - the intersections of gender and affectional orientation - my ministry has been revealed to me!  I am grateful to serve God's people in the margins - those who are seeking the "who-so-ever" love of God!

By Louis Mitchell is the advocate & consultant for community engagement for  Transfaith™


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